Being a single mom and also being someone who finds it almost impossible to show others your weakness and vulnerability, mix very badly together. I usually do a decent job balancing this conundrum of daily existence...until last night....when honestly, I just completely lost it. It had all been building up from a roller coaster of a month filled with fist fights between kids, confusion and tension with a close friend, the end of a semester of school and some other discontentment brewing inside. This was contrasted with the excitement of finally starting my first blog, continuing the amazing growth God had been working in my life, and trying to see where it was all leading.
The fact is, I don't share much of this daily struggle with anyone, and if I do, I'm not honest about the real pain I'm feeling. I've always had this trouble with letting people see my more personal, intimate side. Even going through a redemption story that would rival a Tyler Perry movie, I could easily tell it to people with a straight face like it wasn't me I was speaking about, like it didn't have any real effect on my core. Maybe this is part of the reason I actually felt even more like I had to keep up this facade of, "Look at me. I'm a perfect example of God's grace and goodness. I no longer want to cry in the middle of my day or feel lost and helpless." I had been through such an incredibly difficult and crazy fall to the bottom that I didn't want to ever give someone the impression I could be headed there again.
And then I found myself in the front row of The Good News Cafe again on Saturday. This is a monthly worship event that a friend introduced me to last month. On the way to the event, I received a call from a member of my church who had found himself in a very dark place over the week. He was feeling very low, and I'm guessing a little hopeless. I related so much to him and gave him the most encouraging words that I could. As I got off the phone I thought to myself, "I really need to be even more of an example of what God can do in someones life who has fallen. I need to show everyone the strength He's given me and the new person I now am. I have to show that I'm not weak anymore."
As I sat in my chair at the cafe, I immediately felt something was stirring inside of me. The restlessness that I'd felt building up over the weeks leading up to that night was getting hard to push down. The words being spoken and sung on the stage were like arrows to my soul. At the end of the night, I was trying to hold in my emotions so tightly that I almost couldn't breathe. I was pleading with the Holy Spirit to just help me let my walls down, while fighting to keep them up at the same time. I cried out to Him about how tired I was, how tired of being a single mom and doing it all alone I was, how tired of trying to figure out what direction to take my life I was, and how tired I was of trying to be the wise Christian friend who always had all the answers. I had a tight knot stuck in my throat as the worship leader asked people not to leave with anything that they were still holding on to. Of course as soon as he was done I bolted. I felt like I had a war going on inside of me.
When I got home I had one of THOSE meltdowns. It had been a long time. I just fell on my face and cried for God to help me. I let Him know that I was just plain tired. And this I believe was His answer...Show people your weaknesses. You will be even more of an example if you don't try to play it cool all the time, if you let people see that you are struggling too. You don't have to be perfect to be an example.
Most of the moments in my life now really are filled with peace. I've found a contentment beyond understanding. Most days I feel blessed and happy with whatever God brings my way. But even when I'm not feeling this way about life, I now have the understanding that it's not only ok, but it's good. This means that God is working on something in me. It's ok to let others know that there's renovation going on in here!
So, to my friend from church, and to all my friends out there who may have most of it together, but are still struggling inside a little. SO AM I.
Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said,"My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That's why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:8-10
No comments:
Post a Comment